Oh Good!

Ok.

Here's this kid

I thought the video was entertaining if only for the fact that I don't think such a mass simultaneous female sexual awakening has been documented on video.

Now it makes me get a forehead rage vein.

Here are the facts:

The kid is talented: He can play piano and sing quite well. At the same time, even!

His video has had over 20 million views on YouTube (The equivalent of having 5 people "view" you in person).

The news broke yesterday that this kid is now signed to the same record label as Lady Gaga (Interscope).

What the bloody fuck?

Why?

What did he do beside perform a competent cover of someone else's work (the person who wrote the song for Lady Gaga, booya!)? ---Editor's Note: I wish that Lady Gaga would be removed from our planet and put in some kind of Negative Zone ---

Yes, apparently the kid has some of his own material, but what fucking bar band who does rockin' covers of AC/DC or Nickleback doesn't have their own songs/play their covers just as well? When the hell did people start getting signed to a label based on a (middleschool!) talent show performance?! This is so much like that episode of Saved by the Bell where Zack and the gang have their band and the record exec jogs by and just happens to hear them and then Bam!, off to stardom!

Are we just that lazy now? Does anyone realize that this kid is just the next Susan Boyle? The next shiny object that we look at in amazement for a handful of seconds and then discard it like tissues after a frantic session of hand-slamming dick-related razzmatazz?

I know this country doesn't give a fuck about "paying one's dues." I know we don't know what the fuck "too big, too fast" means....well except for when it comes to dick pills... But I digress, This will all be forgotten in a month.

So why am I so angry?

Because of the chemicals in my body and all the imbalances my doctor keeps hug-screaming at me about!

This phenomenon raises so many questions: what exactly do they plan on him doing? Is he going to finish (middle) highschool?! Will he ever touch boob?!

The other thing that makes me want to stick my foot up a puppy's ass and then spin kick the only vial of the cure for AIDS (that totally exists) into the "Nuke Everything: World's Over" button (that totally also exists...in the White House basement) is the mouth-breathers comparing this kid to Justin Beiber.

First thing's first: is Justin Beiber even enough of a thing yet to be judged against?! Has time vetted him enough? Can we go: "Ok, Socrates, Genghis Khan, Winston Churchill, Justin Beiber. All people of note."? People are comparing them because they have the same fucking stupid "scene-bro starter mop-top" hair cut. What the bloody fuck. Hair? They are also both boys who don't know the joys of ironic mustaches and the wonderstorm of careful, calculating pubic hair removal. They both enjoy being carbon-based lifeforms and both still believe that you pee inside a girl to make her pregnant.

We are a nation of idiots. Don't we have any fucking control over our stupid emotions? Can't we just be like: "well, that kid sure can sing. See you in a few years maybe when you have something unique to contribute." No, it must be: "adorbz! He's doing that song by that person I can't remember the name of because my brain is actually in a wormhole 10 years ahead of my body so I forgot her name because my brain recognizes that there have been 2 - 3 iterations of her and her whole "wacky-yet-sweetly-retarded-millionaire/supervillian plays dress-up" style mixed with disposable pop songs and I'm also bad with names. Let's try and force him through our major label music infrastructure and see what comes out the other side! Quick, quick!"

The result will be a pile of feces that is a 6000:1 model of Mt. Rushmore but instead of US Presidents, it will be the faces of Susan Boyle, William Hung, that silver fox that won Idol a few years ago, and the French baby that sang kinda.

Tell God to get His sniper rifle and activate his Steady Aim perk. I'll be in my angry dome (toilet-style bed).