Moving

This site is directly opposed to facilitating easy/intuitive post creation.

I have moved here.

See you on the other side.

Oh Good!

Ok.

Here's this kid

I thought the video was entertaining if only for the fact that I don't think such a mass simultaneous female sexual awakening has been documented on video.

Now it makes me get a forehead rage vein.

Here are the facts:

The kid is talented: He can play piano and sing quite well. At the same time, even!

His video has had over 20 million views on YouTube (The equivalent of having 5 people "view" you in person).

The news broke yesterday that this kid is now signed to the same record label as Lady Gaga (Interscope).

What the bloody fuck?

Why?

What did he do beside perform a competent cover of someone else's work (the person who wrote the song for Lady Gaga, booya!)? ---Editor's Note: I wish that Lady Gaga would be removed from our planet and put in some kind of Negative Zone ---

Yes, apparently the kid has some of his own material, but what fucking bar band who does rockin' covers of AC/DC or Nickleback doesn't have their own songs/play their covers just as well? When the hell did people start getting signed to a label based on a (middleschool!) talent show performance?! This is so much like that episode of Saved by the Bell where Zack and the gang have their band and the record exec jogs by and just happens to hear them and then Bam!, off to stardom!

Are we just that lazy now? Does anyone realize that this kid is just the next Susan Boyle? The next shiny object that we look at in amazement for a handful of seconds and then discard it like tissues after a frantic session of hand-slamming dick-related razzmatazz?

I know this country doesn't give a fuck about "paying one's dues." I know we don't know what the fuck "too big, too fast" means....well except for when it comes to dick pills... But I digress, This will all be forgotten in a month.

So why am I so angry?

Because of the chemicals in my body and all the imbalances my doctor keeps hug-screaming at me about!

This phenomenon raises so many questions: what exactly do they plan on him doing? Is he going to finish (middle) highschool?! Will he ever touch boob?!

The other thing that makes me want to stick my foot up a puppy's ass and then spin kick the only vial of the cure for AIDS (that totally exists) into the "Nuke Everything: World's Over" button (that totally also exists...in the White House basement) is the mouth-breathers comparing this kid to Justin Beiber.

First thing's first: is Justin Beiber even enough of a thing yet to be judged against?! Has time vetted him enough? Can we go: "Ok, Socrates, Genghis Khan, Winston Churchill, Justin Beiber. All people of note."? People are comparing them because they have the same fucking stupid "scene-bro starter mop-top" hair cut. What the bloody fuck. Hair? They are also both boys who don't know the joys of ironic mustaches and the wonderstorm of careful, calculating pubic hair removal. They both enjoy being carbon-based lifeforms and both still believe that you pee inside a girl to make her pregnant.

We are a nation of idiots. Don't we have any fucking control over our stupid emotions? Can't we just be like: "well, that kid sure can sing. See you in a few years maybe when you have something unique to contribute." No, it must be: "adorbz! He's doing that song by that person I can't remember the name of because my brain is actually in a wormhole 10 years ahead of my body so I forgot her name because my brain recognizes that there have been 2 - 3 iterations of her and her whole "wacky-yet-sweetly-retarded-millionaire/supervillian plays dress-up" style mixed with disposable pop songs and I'm also bad with names. Let's try and force him through our major label music infrastructure and see what comes out the other side! Quick, quick!"

The result will be a pile of feces that is a 6000:1 model of Mt. Rushmore but instead of US Presidents, it will be the faces of Susan Boyle, William Hung, that silver fox that won Idol a few years ago, and the French baby that sang kinda.

Tell God to get His sniper rifle and activate his Steady Aim perk. I'll be in my angry dome (toilet-style bed).

In Defense of the Insane Clown Posse Re: "Miracles"

By now, you have all seen this

If you haven't, please take a few minutes. I'll wait...

Ok. Up to speed?

By trying to share their child-like wonderment of the world with the rest of the population of Spaceship Earth, the Insane Clown Posse has brought the wrath of the Internet God (Computro) down upon their grease-painted skulls.

I feel for these gentlemen.

Many of us stopped believing in childish whimsy and fantasy when we grew up and came of age. We should not chastise those who lack the ability to develop, mentally, past that of a slow-witted but well-meaning preschooler. Yes, many of the phenomena proclaimed to be "miracles" by ICP could be explained logically by a 5 year-old that you just woke up from a whiskey nap, but that is being unfair to the Violentest of J's and the 2nd incarnation of Shaggy of the house of Dope. It is rude at best, and near-sighted and ignorant at worst.

What if they're right? What if we really CAN'T explain these things that we thought we had knowledge of? How are we really RIGHT about anything?! The earth rotates around the sun. What if the earth and sun are just tiny pieces of a much larger body that is rotating around an even larger body?! Dark forces could be at play and we could be none-the-wiser! Alien hive minds from beyond the stars could have set things into motion that our comparatively feeble intellect could not comprehend. Have you ever listened to ICP? Their brains concoct things that only the likes of H. P. Lovecraft could weave words together to describe. They and their fan base are the meth-iest of white trash yet they have songs about murdering white trash?! Jesus, are they secretly working on a black hole-creating device that is powered by contradictions?! But this is what WE perceive of their music. This is what WE think is UP and what is DOWN. What if ICP has some secret knowledge of the true workings of every facet of our life? What if they've reached some new level of cogent reasoning and thought and left us behind? Like the brain version of Kirk Cameron's "Left Behind 2: The Leftening."

Well, after donning a snowsuit, ingesting more than the FDA's suggested daily allowance of crystal meth, and then trying to swallow my fingers in a 12-hour tanning bed session, I am here to discuss the FACTUAL logical explanations behind a few of ICP's miracles:

Pelicans:

Known to many ancient cultures as the All Mouth, the Pelican is a formidable consumer of man's machinations. In our foolish modern society, they are known for two things: being the dumpsters of the sea and inspiring instrumental heavy metal. This is not so. The pelican's hunger for flesh (of man) is only surpassed by its hunger for technology. Pelicans are the #1 predator of men (and orphans). Their consumption of fish is only a daytime slight of hand so that we mortals leave our organs vulnerable during our nocturnal slumber. What is even more terrifying is the pelican's assimilation ability. In 1986, pelicans became self-aware after the pelican queen, Gorlax, consumed a discarded Apple IIe personal computer. Since then, the pelican march toward integrated, cerebral data-mining supremacy has been a blitzkrieg of feathers and fish-breath; learning from humanity's creations to blueprint their demise. On that fateful day, Violent J looked into the black abyss of the pelican's eyes and saw the truth. The veil was lifted. The bird activated its on-board communication array and sent via burst transmission to the cranium of our hero: "You have slipped from the axis of your realm of animal knowledge, human. The Pelicanese Conquest will not be revealed today, not by you. Two choices, land walker: I taste your meaty face as it enters the Mouth of Mouths, or you surrender your communication device for intestinal research." The rest is history.

The creation of Shaggy 2 Dope's children:

Shaggy 2 Dope has only ever seen things going into vaginas, never out. Whether it be a penis, a fist, a bowling pin, or the larger end of a pool cue, always in. So we need to cut him some slack here. To his knowledge, that thing is just a fun pocket. Compound this with the fact that he thought kids just kind of showed up one day. We all know that a womb baby's weaknesses are:

1. Forcing the mother to wear one Soap Shoe and one Heelie and then navigate a flight of stairs

-and/or-

2. A laser-guided punch to the mother's stomach

Execute one of those two rituals and the baby won't show up one day to cut into your Xbox-playing time. This is the Realm of Baby according to Shaggy 2 Dope. Imagine his surprise when one day a doctor (a kind of scientist...we'll get to this later) sits him down in a room with a Female Juggalo #45267 writhing in pain on a sweat-soaked bed. Looking into what must only be the Eye of Fucking Sauron, literally ALL comes out of what used to be "a pretty rad place" as well as a tiny alien. "Sperm makes kidz. Don't." is now a Memento tattoo on Shaggy's chest.

The constant deceit of "Scientists":

The Knights Templar, Skull and Bones, The Illuminati, The Girl Scouts. All very secret, very devious organizations. Well add Scientists to that list, juggalo. Proven to be full of lies (malarkey) by the Wicked Clown Truth and Embiggening of Miracles Division's biggest splinter cell: Albert Einstein, science and scientists have been leading humanity down a road to unknowing self-destruction for centuries. Everything in this world is made by, controlled by, and destroyed by a large, invisible, super-intelligent lobster halfling. No gravity; that just Phil (the lobster's name) throwing and dropping stuff for you. No matter; that is Phil spinning things in his Making Web and then sitting them on the chessboard that is Earth (yup, he's got spider qualities too, he's a halfling, remember?). Phil is everywhere at once because he's that big and he's got millipede (halfling) arms to do everything. The reason scientists are lying to us about Phil is that, upon discovery of Phil, scientists realized that they would lose their high-paying, stable jobs. By creating explanations and terminology so complex that only the (seemingly) top minds of humanity could understand them, scientists solidified their place in our world. How they are dooming us to extinction is eventually someone HAS to come up with invisibility pellets. Of course that will then lead to visibility pellets to counteract invisibility. So, someone throws a visibility pellet in the wrong place and, bam!, Phil is discovered. He would then proceed to vaporize us all because Phil has a thing about being seen...you know, man behind the curtain-type stuff. If you would have signed up for the ICP's newsletter, you would have gotten this information in the form of their bi-yearly scholarly journal that this expose article was published in, right next to Stephen Hawking's (another splinter cell, obviously) research into what is the dopest flavor of Faygo.

Fucking Magnets:

When all the Vikings died out, their bodies were pulverized to dust by the god of showing up fashionably late, Marduk. This angered the god of good gas mileage, Ifrit, because he wanted to keep the Vikings intact and turn them into stone to serve as pieces on his Infernal Chessboard of Woe. This caused the great dust bowl of the 1930s here in the States. What was dusty poor people to us was actually a cosmic Dust War that nearly shattered the heavens. Ifrit eventually emerged the victor by sinking the saw blade-looking dealie into Marduk's Crossfire goal and then, to add further insult to injury, banished the Viking corpse dust to the Realm of Magnetization. What Ifrit didn't know is that Marduk totally spit on some of the Viking dust because he was a sore loser. This Marduk Spit, when entering the Realm turned into Bizzaro Viking Dust. This is what you and I know as polarity and why magnets will attract and repel. What we think is the transfer of electrons is actually tiny, warring souls of Marduk spit, and non-Marduk spit Dust Vikings taking place before our very eyes. That is how magnets work.

As for FUCKING Magnets, well, some truths would rip the fabric of a mortal's mind like a chainsaw that is sexually attracted to room-temperature sticks of butter. However, there are whispers in the dark corners of the Dark Carnival where foolishly brave Juggalo Elders have suggested the use of metal shavings, edible underwear, and Al Green records in a otherworldly, dark cabal-orgy of Magnet Familiars as a means of cracking the code.

Now you see how deep the rabbit hole goes.

J and Shaggy are aware of the true nature of our galaxy. Every song, every album in ICP's catalog has been a cry to the cosmos for divine knowledge of the unknown. The Joker Card albums and the insanely climactic revealing of Shangri-La (totally not a bullshit cop-out cum pseudo-Christian face-palming) awoke Phil from his space slumber and summoned him to give absolute knowledge to the clowns. Our eyes are open.

Which leads me to my next point; a final, amazing reveal.

That video was FUCKING REALITY.

That's right you assholes, ICP has built a fucking spaceship and successfully made a test flight mission to Juggalo Heaven (Shangri-La, yo). Yes, the video looked like ICP forced an epileptic to try and use Adobe Premiere while getting a blow job from a pit bull in a room full of strobe lights because that is what they wanted you normies to think! The Wicked Clowns, by the divine grace of Phil, and the successful hacking of the technology database of the Pelicans (thanks to the 1337 haxors of Twiztid for that one!) ICP have the means to ascend to Heaven. You can too! With the purchase of one XXXXXL (seriously) ICP tshirt or the unironic use of the word "fag" 20 or more times, you can hitch a ride from one of ICP's Magic Up In This Bitch Towers and fly in a Miracle Pod up to Shangri-La. Once there, we will give each other Miracle Jobs until we dream Miracle all over each others' faces.

Space Vanity!

This post is inspired by "Infinite Jest" which is a book by David Foster Wallace. It is great. You should read it. Anywhoozle, a chapter in this book details an interesting topic that struck me as interesting. It was so interesting, in fact, that it made me exclaim: "Wowzers! I am INTERESTED by this!" in the middle of a Starbucks. I then eye-humped everyone around me until they went back to their business, then, once I was essentially alone again, I picked up my iPhone and wrote down in the Note application: this will be an interestingly good idea for a blog post that 4 people will half read (paraphrase). Literally 1/3 of that story is true. Make a fun game by trying to guess which third.

So here we are. On the cusp of me unleashing something you will find so, so interesting. I must disclose something, though. It makes me feel like I would be an absolute jerk if I did not mention it: After reading this first paragraph or so of a chapter in "Infinite Jest" and it piqued my interest to write about this interesting topic, I then proceeded to be posthumously pants'ed by Wallace because he says everything I am thinking about the topic but in a much more intellectual, funny, and grammatically-correct way.,; ( So, you can track down the book and stop reading this right now (recommended). Or, you can treat this as a feeble minded invalid's cute attempt at trying to be all...deep n' stuff (also recommended, but with less sweaty urgency).

Perhaps I should get to the post, huh?



Remember web cams?

Yeah, me either. So, I totes Googled them and Goggle googles at me: Web Camz wuz picture movies you taked of urself and they get catapulted over the internetz 4 others 2 c!

This phrasing gave me an erection because I thought I was receiving one of those "sexts" that news programs are always going on about. After a few minutes of looking around jerkily, expecting an impending visit from an imposing "hawttie," I collected myself and carried on (with a tear in my eye).

Now that I've filled my quota for stupid humor for a blog post, I will present my "deal." Why are web cams a constantly in and then out again trend? Think about it. How many times have you purchased a web cam/installed a video chat program/fooled around with the tiny little video camera built into our fancy new computer?

I think that some technology is an advance that, if we think about it, we don't really want. It is much like the Nintendo Wii: an entertaining albeit shallow romp through the world of motion-controlled wankery. It is a neat parlor trick, but then we come to our senses and stick with the old tried and true thing in question.

I think that things like convenience and vanity override the technological advancement of web cams and video chat. You can be naked and use a phone, text, im. Well...I guess being naked for web cams is how some people make a very lucrative living, but this post does not concern the adult entertainment industry. I digress. You don't have to worry about how you look when you pick up the phone after being woken up by its early morning ringing. Do we see a trend here? Video chat makes us turn an eye towards ourselves. For some, this may be a complete non-issue but I think each of us has SOME degree of vanity...or, at least, self consciousness. I think it makes people feel stressed out. How many people already hate talking on the phone, thanks, in part, to the popularization of texting? We are already becoming hermits within a form of hermitry (not a word). Why would we then choose to become exhibitionists in a different, but similar vein of communication?

There comes a point where the novelty of space-age wonderment at the prospect of long distance video interaction wears off and we become "over it." Why would you worry about making sure you don't look like a sweaty leper when you can just hit two buttons on a phone and get, roughly, the same level of communication? Convenience overpowers concept.

We are tethered with video chat as well. Tethered both physically and morally/behaviorally. We can't feign interest. We can't be staring off into the middle distance, trying to conquer some part of some cheating, cheap-bastard video game, or, L. Ron Hubbard forbid, be using the bathroom. Also, no one but the 10 richest kings in all of Europe can afford a camera bot that follows them around. We peasants must settle for stationary cameras embedded in over priced laptops or bulky plastic third party cameras swaying atop a laptop screen or monitor like some chintzy, obese gargoyle on top a house of cards.

In a way, video chat is a step backwards in technological advancement. We must remain in a designated area. We must have a system to run the a/v suite; it isn't a self contained experience like the cell phone. We need to worry about bullshit like whether each person has drivers up to date, "do we all have a skype account?", Mac vs. PC "compatibility" and all that other nonsense.

Just something to think about when you're running your sexy web cam, subscribers-only dog and pony show. The dog rides the pony. It's cute. What?

Yelling

It seems that we're tired of waiting for Change.

I think many of us were duped; I know I was. I feel that we lost sight of how politics actually work in this country and how much our rose-tinted glasses were letting us see.

I only partly blame Obama. I blame myself. I blame his campaign. I also, blame everyone ever in the country...that's right, even babies and corpses. ...especially them.

Point: I still think that the Right (God's Right) is much, much worse. That corpse is bloated with so many racists and homophobes and mouth-breathing, gun-fucking idiots that any semi-reasonable, intelligent conservative Republican would only be drowned out because they can't yell as loud.

What I getting to here is that in light of the economy, this healthcare clusterfuck, the continuation of two wars...are we really, REALLY surprised that nothing has changed?

Hypothesis: This country is too scared of itself. We are shackled by politics gone fat and corrupt so much so that government and policy are just one middling line of gray constant that occasionally sways to the right or left.

We should have smelled bullshit when Obama thought it would be a good idea to let that bigotty pastor or priest or grand poohbah or whatever be a part of his inauguration. Fuck that guy. Get him out of there. What did he add AT ALL to that ceremony that he, specifically, had to be there? Well, some of us who read into things too much might say that he was throwing the idiot demographic of this country a bone.

But he's not just throwing them a bone, is he? He has to keep the people that don't agree with him happy for some reason.

What is happening now with healthcare is just embarassing. The think tank at FOX News is going at him 24/7, throwing gasoline on the fire that is the underdeveloped brains of their viewership. "Tea Party" groups are spouting up all over the place; a sad sign of the times as something that was an act of defiance against true tyranny has now been usurped by over-fed, xenophobic, education-fearing white people to use as a guise for groups that promote ignorance, yelling, racism, and well just plain idiocy. What Obama should do, what the government should do, is go after all these people. Shit, they're already acting as if you're attacking them, who not attack them? Metaphorically, of course. Call them out. Expose their idiocy. Call twats like Glenn Beck on his hypocrisy about healthcare. Show these people for what they are: puppets and puppet-masters of the shittiest variety.

Nothing changes. Things alter slightly, but nothing TRULY changes. Nothing is ever shook up because we are worried about invisible consequences. If Obama wants to be left...BE FUCKING LEFT. Don't do this half-assed shit. Here are some ideas of what I'm talking about. These aren't things that I necessarily want to see happen, but they are examples of a true "regime change":

- FORCE gay people to get married. None of this let's "allow" them to get married...let's do this shit TO THE EXTREME! Take over any and every church and hijack them for the weddings. Pull all the troops home and then use them as armed guards outside of each and every church. And don't be subtle: lines of troops, guns out, snipers on rooftops, humvees, everything.

- Kinda-Sorta Communism Wage Garnishment: Are you a football player who makes 5 million a year to catch a ball and beat up strippers? Guess what? You now make $90,000 a year. Looks like it's back to work for that trophy wife...I'm sure her thigh high boots still fit. But yeah, anyone, everyone, you're rich? Well, now there is such a thing as too rich. Have a problem with it? Take a lower salary. The Maximum Wage is set at around $90,000 per person. I don't think that's too unreasonable. If you try and hide money, you are tried and then you get stabbed by that money after it has been folded, glued, taped and sharpened into a shiv by an especially industrious, sweaty prison inmate. All, extra money goes to the needy, the sick, to our medical facilities, our schools, our parks, roads, etc.

- But Jordan, what about the poor who are just lazy? Waaaahhhh I'm a rich twat and free money to the lazy is TOOOOOTALLY different than excessive money to the undeserving.... Well here it goes, friend: Uncle Sam's Smart or You're Out Life Coaching Program! Yearly, there will be a test given to every citizen to make sure they're not a piece of shit. Don't worry, there will be no essays on Ayn Rand or trigonometry worksheets, just stuff that you should have picked up going through high school, thinking occasionally, using logic, etc. You must be able to show that you are literate (and choose to continue this gift of reading), are aware of social and political issues/happenings, receipts for examples of supporting various arts. To support all this extra money that will be coming in due to the Wage Garnishing, there will arise a new industry to support this policy. Life Coaches will now be government mandated. These Life Coaches, however, will not be the scam artists that we know now, no no, they will be some of our country's better citizens. Their jobs will be to exist in communities and enforce the rules of "not being a shitty person." Anyone who is found to be shitty or annoying or the like will be tried and flung (via catapult) into Idiot Island.

- Texas will be renamed Idiot Island



So those are just a few things to get Barack HUSSEIN Obama started. That is another thing right there: Hussein. Man those idiots can't get off enough by calling him by his full name and emphasizing his middle name like it's some kind of secret fucking dirt they have on the guy and they're tooooootaly (totes!) wheeling it out in the WITTIEST fuckin' way ever! You almost expect them to say: "Buuuuurrrn!" immediately after, then cross their arms all B-Boy style, and have a smug nod to their head, then piss themselves....

I think Obama needs to start ending every press conference, every speech, every single thing he says with "...and so it is for I am Barack Hussein Obama!"

This is all very absurd and exaggerated, but my point is not: Obama is just another guy in a long line of guy's who run this country and are slaves (or products of) societal mainstream norms. He cares as much for the fringes of our society about as much as G. W. did, or Clinton did, or shit, about as much as Taft did. Only the blobular, huge, socially acceptable at large groups of people will ever truly benefit from a political system. Did we really expect Obama to show up on day one wearing a Zappa tshirt while making out with his boy toy (that Michelle 'totes doesn't know about...didn't know about, I guess), all the while exclaiming: "Hey everyone who voted against me! Do you like chives? Because that's all you can eat for the next 4 years! Heeeey!"?

Nope, he's just some dude who loves his Bible, who is too afraid to take on this country's tumor of gun-crazy rednecks, too scared to remove the boil on the country's ass that is FOX News and any like minded "misinformation for profit" type groups, and too scared to really Change anything.

End of Post Example to Prove Point: This country will not change unless a massive act of violent upheaval takes place. Short of common sense stuff like equal rights for women and people who aren't white, the last time the country was different than it was before an event...that was the Civil War. I certainly don't want something like that to happen, but it is interesting to think about in this context. So, finally, I submit this to you: An atheist could find the cure for AIDS and fix the economy (permanently) tomorrow. Come election time, I am certain that he would not be elected solely on the fact that he is an atheist.

- J. Michael Hill


*** EDITOR'S (ED: Writer's) NOTE: I hope that one day I attempt to get into politics as I am 100% certain that this essay will be found by some blogger or news organization or some shut-in yahoo and then subsequently published and reported as "what I REALLY believe" and thus, ruining my career. ...Idiot Island does have its appeal though, come on.

Sincerity

For your consideration:









Yes. The second band is real. I feel that these two videos are the embodiment of a "stark contrast."


I weep for the youth of this fucking planet.